Losing your belief, finding your faith

Hi! It's me again. I want to dig into a fairly serious topic today: religion, faith, spirituality, whatever you want to call it. I grew up in a household that went to church every Sunday. No matter what else was going on...you went to church. It was a major part of my childhood and I envision raising my future children in a similar way; simply because, regardless of your belief, church is a community of people who will rally behind you in the best and worst of times. With that being said, I've struggled most of my adult life to find my faith. Sitting in church every Sunday from the time I was born through most of my teen years didn't really help me develop. I was just going because my parents required it. And I'll admit that sometimes I'd be sitting there, somewhat listening to what the pastor was saying, and I'd get this feeling of complete comfort...of surety that there is something else out there. Something else that has control is this universe. But I never had complete confidence that that "something" was a white man, posting up in the sky, watching over all of us - what they teach you to believe in most churches.

Once I went off to college, going to church pretty much came to a halt. I only went for special occasions, around the holidays, with my family. I had lost any belief I once had in church; in the white man sitting upstairs. I didn't go off and become an atheist by any means; I had simply lost my belief. I didn't want to lose it. I wanted to believe in Him. I wanted to have complete trust in something greater than me. But I couldn't quite get there.

When I moved to Springfield to start my career, I was really missing it. Things were not going well outside of my new job; my relationship was a bust, friends were far away, I wasn't making many connections, etc. I decided to give it another shot. It took me four Sunday morning church services before I finally came across one that I was okay with. Every other church I went to...all I felt was judgment in the air. I can't quite describe it. It was just this feeling that the people within that room were requiring you to be "perfect" in the eyes of God. That you could literally never make a mistake and then be accepted into the kingdom of heaven without asking God for forgiveness; getting down on your knees and praying. The service that really threw me for a loop was one that went in-depth on homosexuality in the church. The pastor pretty much said that if you're gay you have to ask God for forgiveness of that sin. You must let go of that part of your life from that moment on. That unless you give that up, you will never be accepted into the kingdom of heaven. I. WAS. FLOORED. I literally got up and left in the middle of the service. If that is what "God" stands for...if "God" has restrictions on who is given eternal life based on something they are BORN WITH, then I don't want any part of that. My God is accepting of ALL life, regardless of how they were born, mistakes they've made, wrong paths they may have chosen.

After attending this service, I decided that I couldn't accept this "white man on a throne up in the sky" as my God. Simply because I cannot believe in the same God as those who believe that homosexuality is an unforgivable sin.

I do believe, however, that there IS a higher power. I have absolutely no clue what that looks like. It may just be an orb in the sky, it may have no shape or mass at all. What I do know is that having faith in something greater than yourself brings an unending amount of love, joy, happiness...ALL THE THINGS...into your life. We can't believe in something just to dismiss the harsh realities of life, but having FAITH in something greater than yourself...well that's powerful. We have to be okay with not knowing all of the answers; with not knowing what form God may take. All we have to know is that if we put our faith and trust into that "thing", we can never go wrong.

A place to be #unapologeticallyme.