Growing into your future
- becca
- Apr 7, 2020
- 5 min read
Growing up in a small town, everybody knows everybody...or at least they think they do. I was seen as the "pretty" girl who dated the "star, popular" athlete. I like to think that I won Homecoming Queen because my peers really liked me for me, but, sadly, I think it's because I was the... "pretty" girl who dated the "star, popular" athlete.
"Homecoming Queen" by Kelsea Ballerini...it's a real thing. If you haven't heard it, you need to and I'll link it here.
Except, I never let anyone in on the insecurities that were constantly swimming through my mind. I 100% zipped up the mess and swept everything under the rug.
I smiled most things away; brushed them off my shoulder. I played the part of the "pretty" girl, and I played it well.
I was quiet in high school, really throughout all of my education. I wasn't great at creating friendships, especially with girls. I was never confident enough to insert myself into conversations. I've never been one to speak up and I am (sadly) SO quick to judge. I always think women are too good to be my friend. Yes, that's a legitimate insecurity. I think, "she's too pretty, she'd never be friends with me". Or, "she's too pretty, there's no way she's nice". Or, "she's too pretty, there's no way she's real". Which is so extremely sad because I think that's what a lot of people think about ME.
I'm judging others the exact way they judge me.
This could be completely false. Actually, it likely is. Likely it's my insecurities, once again, blocking me from creating genuine connections.
My quietness has blocked a lot of things for me. And I think the thing that upsets/angers/frustrates me about it the most is that I really do crave quality relationships. Don't get me wrong, I do have close friendships and I am so grateful for those of you I have in my life. But I get down on myself. I get down on myself A LOT because I envy those who are the social butterfly. Those who have had eight bridesmaids and would likely give their life for every single one of them.
I have had some incredible friendships throughout my life. Those in elementary school, middle school, high school, college and post-grad...you know who you are. And I'm so grateful for each and every one of you. You DID see me for me during those years and I will forever remember the connections that we created.
These friendships over the years have both blossomed and wilted. Some have ended in ways that I wish I could take back...just start completely over.
One of those was with my best, and I mean BEST, friend from pre-k through most of elementary school. If she happens to read this, she'll know immediately it's her I'm talking about. If two people could be glued to the hip, that was us. And, unfortunately, we grew our separate ways in middle school and were never able to rekindle that friendship over reasons that are SO silly I can't even begin to explain them.
People grow. Relationships grow. Sometimes you lose connections during a certain part of your life to then regain them 15 years down the road. This friend messaged me on Facebook a few weeks ago. She had found a postcard I had written her "back in the day". She sent me a picture of it, said she thought it was hilarious, that she loved following my blog and wished me well. I did the same and that was pretty much the whole of our conversation.
But you know what? That touched me more than she could probably ever imagine.
We both had likely known that our issues were squashed years ago (time can give some serious perspective), but neither of us had reached out until this point. And I'm so glad she did.
It's potential friendships like this that I crave. Let's be honest, I'm never going to be the bride with eight bridesmaids. I thrive on close connections with a few people and I've definitely started to create that in our new life in Springfield. It just takes me a while, and sometimes I desperately wish I could speed up my own process or timeline for creating new friendships.
I've grown a lot since middle school. I've changed in a lot of ways and while it may not seem like it from this post (lol), I HAVE become more confident in myself and who I am as a person. I'm slowly becoming more ok with being the quiet girl. Some days, like yesterday when I was writing the majority of this post, are worse than others when it comes to my self-confidence. I get in a negative headspace and then, usually pretty quickly, realize how silly I'm being. That I'm incredibly blessed with so many amazing friendships and relationships in my life. And while many have come and gone over the years, I'm so glad I've been able to experience each and every one of them.
We're going to go through changes. Personally, professionally, etc. And moving on from certain relationships is completely normal. Sometimes you just grow apart. But you can also grow apart and come back together years down the road. I'm hopeful that this is the case for a lot of the relationships I've grown away from.
I'm writing this post because I know there are likely a lot of women (and men) out there who are exactly like me. Who wish they could be the social butterfly and sometimes become very insecure about their lack of close relationships. Who have likely grown apart from people they thought were in it with them for the long-haul. Who feel that devastation when they realize they've lost someone they thought they were incredibly close with.
I'm here for you. I know it hurts. I've been there so many times. But guess what? There will be new people who enter your life and change it in ways you never thought possible. You WILL cultivate new friendships that WILL last your entire adult life. We go through a lot of emotional changes in our adolescent years and that can lead to a lot of movement within social groups. But I feel once we hit a certain age, all of that *BS* goes away; it truly doesn't matter anymore. And we start creating friendships for the REAL long-haul, or at least that's what I'm holding onto.
I'm so thankful for those of you I still have in my life. I may not say it often enough, or ever, and I'm so sorry for that. But know that while yes, I am quiet and reserved, I will ALWAYS have your back. I will always be there for those I'm close with. You can count on me for anything. And if you...yes, you reading this right now...if you feel like you're missing that close connection...well guess what, I'm ALWAYS in need of more. Please reach out to me. We can get virtual coffee or start a book club together. Or...whatever. I don't care. I just want you to know that you're not alone.
Thanks for following along in this sob-fest LOL. I hope that if you're the quiet girl then you realized that there are more people out there who care about you than you could possibly comprehend. And if you're the social butterfly, I hope you give us quiet girls a chance. Sometimes our quietness can come off as arrogant or rude, but I promise you that's not the case. We'd love to be your friend if you'd have us. :).
We all have our insecurities that we're likely too afraid to admit. Remember that (talking to myself here) the next time you start to place judgment on someone you hardly know. We're all going through something and women HAVE to be gracious towards one another.
Let's all do our best to invite everyone into our own circles.
XOXO, Unapologetically Blog
A place to be #unapologeticallyme
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